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i really dont think i can take to much more of this. Im really starting to think that me and my boyfriend are going back to where we were before where we never saw or talked to eachother. But now hes telling me that he will call but doesnt. Than tells my best friend that confronted him about it on my behalf that i couldve called him. He told me that he was going to call me...i shouldnt have to call him. He knew that i worked this weekend and he knew what time i worked. I didnt know what he was doing this weekend or what time he woke up and hes no fun to talk to when hes tired. And when i had told him that i might not be able to call him after work friday when he asked me to he got irritated but when i was able to i did and he was too busy watching the football game to talk to me. Whats up with that? how much more of this double standred can one girl take til it gets to much for her? i just dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him but it feels like i might not have much of a choice for much longer. Even my friends are telling me to. How can i make up my own mind when i dont even know how i feel anymore? i dont think i can do this anymore. I might just have to give up.
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so much to do, so little time....

I have a massive pile of assignments due at 8:45am tomorrow and Iapos;m screwed. Not to mention we were suppose to finish our English novels and get interviewed about them and I havenapos;t even finished mine yet. ��HAHA. So much for promising myself I wouldnapos;t procrastinate.��� I should have been attending a University open house but I went to the wedding instead.� It took up the entire day and now my battery is low.� Iapos;m exhausted.

Why do I even try anymore?

And why am I posting on LJ when I should be starting said assignments?

-headsdesk-
�

�

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I do not like it when my music screams at me. Granted, I greatly enjoy death metal and black metal when Iapos;m pissed off and need angry music to listen to, but screamo makes me want to put an eye out with a spoon. As long as the music has good lyrics and is artfully performed, Iapos;ll listen to it. However, screamo pisses me off. I donapos;t understand what the hell theyapos;re saying, and therefore it makes me angry... Which brings us right back to square one.

Donapos;t take my griping the wrong way. Some of my favorite bands have only death vocals (Arch Enemy, Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, Thine Eyes Bleed, etc.) However, bands like Despised Icon piss me off. If I canapos;t understand what itapos;s saying without reading the lyrics while Iapos;m listening to it, I want nothing to do with it.

Which is why I humbly declined my invitation to attend a show tonight. It didnapos;t help that I was huddled in bed in the fetal position either... I hate being sick.

-- J.
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Iapos;m not sure if I�want to scream, destroy something, cry, throw up, or all four. I�havenapos;t felt like this sense I�first started processing Nanaapos;s death, and I�think thatapos;s a factor in this. I donapos;t know why the house closing at the end of the month bothers me so much. I guess because even though it brings a finality to this situation, it raises more questions than it answers. I�donapos;t need more questions right now. Momapos;s like "donapos;t even think about it. Weapos;ve already arranged for you to be able to stay there through December." But what about after that? I�either need to find an apartment or pick a house plan and get the site prep and�foundation started. I�just donapos;t even know what to think, feel, or do anymore.
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I am currently training for a half marathon in the spring with my friend kas. Im excited and i canapos;t wait to accomplish something that ive been thinking about doing for years. I have a runnerapos;s magazine article taped to my mirror so that i keep focused--guess im gonna have to spend more time in my bathroom to look at it. My dad wants me to run a marathon with him. I would love to do it...im just gonna have to do half marathon first to know i can do it.
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only two days of school this week because of fall break. Have to write a paper for monday..another dreaded history one. Damn i hate papers. Im also going to dallas this weekend for the texas fair with ey and emily, and maybe a visit to the museum with chels for her class. Gonna be a fun weekend.

only a two more weeks left for tv on the radio and halloween
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firexofxangels dressed as George Lucas.
hesabombshell dressed as a new superhero: Platinum Gal.
martyrstitch dressed as the Earl of North Cabery.
mutilatedbabe dressed as a ground.
verlasestrellas dressed as a very fake witch-doctor complete with a collection of shrunken skulls.
x_tom_long_x didnapos;t dress up, spoilsport.
xadamfhtrx dressed as Sybil - except that Sybil didnapos;t show but the other 13 personalities did.
xgreasejobx dressed as a 1990apos;s grunge child, though it looked more like the Archbishop of Richmond.
zackmioli dressed as Jack the Ripper in a time machine, complete with gory knives.
zombeats dressed as a road.

And the loser is.............

a road and ground. Worst costumes ever.

Thanks for ruining my halloween party.


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Yeah, since youapos;ve�been gone.�I dont wanna looked so alone and in needing of your love, but i swear, i solemnly swear I�CANT�THINK�STRAIT�ANYMORE�ITS�BEEN�A�WEEK�I�SWEAR�I�CANT�THINK�ANYTHING�ELSE�EXCEPT�ME, YOU, OUR MISTAKES, AND OUR MEMORIES

the memories, i repeat them clearly in every breath that i take.
i memorize you.

thats when you said "i love you" for a hundreth times to me, it was 12th of may 2008.
we sat at your car, you played us songs by naif, then stopped ourselves at car wash. Couple of minutes later you were sitting next to me, staring at my face, holding my hands.
your face sketched a feeling like begging hard to me.
i was "omg, what should i do, what should i do?".
i just kept myself as sweet as i can, so you wouldnt think anything except i have to make this girl to be mine.
i couldnt take it anymore, i wanted to say i love you too that day, couldnt lie to myself, but how?. How to say i love you too?
and when you took me home, argh. You did it. You did it, it was so soft and warm. Something that i never tasted since i broke up with him. Oh gosh, i still remember that day i said "oh i bet i cant sleep normally tonite", you were just smiling and i knew you were like "oh i did it for the first time". I still remember that day, clearly.

and we made it.

i filled my book with our stories then. Began with your name, i wrote it as huge as i can, with a smile at the end of your name.

day by day we passed by.

blah, you dropped the call.
we fought.
we fought caused you wanted to go to my house thirstly, besides i was thirstily too to forbid you to go to my house.
you said "I�AM�A�MAN"
and i said "YOU�DONT�UNDERSTAND"
oh i still remember.

still remember what we did in your car, ate ice cream and...bang.

you were searching for me, still remember you were texting me a hundreth time, asked me to forbid you to get drunk, but then you saw me with anyone else, and theyre my band mates, ruben said hello to you, you just "oh, that is my gf, and sheapos;s with somebody else", you were broken.

second date, or first date after made up, it was friday. You wore your beautiful red shirt and you said "my family said its been 2 years since you broke up with your ex and long time no see you dress up like this", you were proud of the perfume that you syringed to your body. I wore pantera cappucone and you took me to kemang pratama. You were so happy you take a girl for date at night. And then you did it again, at lonely street. Softly again. Warm again.

you took me to suropati park, at nite after you mad because you didnt know what i want and after i cried cos you mad at fried rice restaurant. You took me to cipinang and you showed me couples that made out there. Yucks. At suropati park you held my hand, it was the first time we hugged. So warm. I really like it.

you successfully came to my house, but i bet you cant forget what we did after you teach me keyboard lessons and after i sang while you played keyboard of "let it be" song.

still remember it was the first time you said about break up, caused my friend messed us up from msn. You didnt like it, but a couple of days later, after i met resti at kfc, you said that you still love me.

still remember, 12th of september was our last date.

and�i still remember too how we broke up.
i dont wanna blame anyone of us. Really. I know im wrong, beside you cant think yourself always right.
i miss you, i miss how we phoning each other every nite. How you carried me up at my house, highly. I miss how you said "aku sayang kamu" at nite everytime before i go to bed. I miss our memories.

i cant let you go, wherever you mention me the time, before i find someone else, i cant. I swear i cant.
i might pretend. But please, i want you think that iapos;m still here, holding on, everyday i hold on, and wait for a miracle.
the miracle...phrase i dont know its a time you comback to me again, or time that i should see you with somebody else.
ah, i hate it. Why there are two opportunities in every story?

i miss you.

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Did you ever see something and know deep inside, from that little voice deep down in your heart of hearts, that was standing on a soapbox screaming at the top of its lungs, that what it is, was right?

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